Republicans and Democrats are fighting like cats and dogs; they cannot even agree on which Toaster Strudel to toss into the microwave this morning, let alone settle on a spending bill that funds the government. If a stop-gap spending bill for the new fiscal year is not passed before midnight on September 30, government agencies and programs deemed non-essential will begin closing their doors for the first time in 17 years. The biggest point of contention is House Republicans insist the spending bill include anti-Obamacare amendments. Senate Democrats are just as adamant that it does not. So if the government places an “Out to Lunch” sign on their doors come 12:01 a.m. on October 1, who should be in charge? Here is my shortlist:
- Walter White. The fictional high school chemistry teacher and family man on the AMC drama series, Breaking Bad, secures his family’s financial future by making meth with a former student. The two become known for their top-quality blue meth, but success has its complications: Walt finds himself in over his head in the drug underworld. But that’s ok as it might do the Feds good to have someone at the top that can numb their problems.
- Kate Plus 8. Kate Gosselin, mother of twin girls and sextuplets, manages unfavorable tabloid coverage, a publishing empire, and supporting her family with little help from her ex-husband Jon Gosselin, who now works as a waiter in Nowhere, Pennsylvania. Plus, if Kate were to run the U.S. government, imagine how insanely tidy it would be; her children currently have an Anna Karenina-sized book of chores to complete, so what is a little cleaning of the U.S. Capitol Building going to add to the children’s laundry list of responsibilities? Visualize the money the government could save on their dusting bills.
- Jim Cramer believes there is always a bull market somewhere, and he wants to help you find it as the inconspicuous host of CNBC’s “Mad Money.” Sure he is over-the-top, he yells and screams at the drop of a hat, he throws chairs and belittles Alan Greenspan. But he does it more gracefully than most in Congress.
- Bernie Madoff made off with investor’s funds in the largest Ponzi scheme in U.S. history, but that should not take him out of the running to be in charge of taxpayer dollars. If he ran the federal government, even if the resources weren’t there, he could create fictional reports that made us look like a filthy rich country in the same way the North Koreans have done. Don’t let his acknowledgment of committing eleven federal felonies and turning his wealth management business into a massive scheme that defrauded thousands of investors of billions of dollars deter you. The guy has charisma, resourcefulness, and witchcraft in his pocketful of tricks, something our federal government could use a lot more of.