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Masturbate For Peace Conference in North Korea to Set Erotic Fantasies on Fire

Thousands of North Koreans are expected to turn out for a mass rally at the main square in Pyongyang in support of leader Kim Jong-un’s call to Masturbate For Peace.  Kim demands North Koreans jack off and finger themselves amid U.S. threats of military action.  A once-in-a-lifetime sexual revolution is afoot in which North Koreans can release tension, give in to dirty urges, and have an orgasm or two in an effort to find peace within the Stalinist dictatorship.    

Kim’s Masturbate For Peace initiative is the result of tensions running high since the U.S. flew two nuclear-capable stealth bombers over the Korean Peninsula last week.  Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel explained the addition of nuclear-capable B-2 bombers to perform military drills with South Korea was part of normal exercises.  Gen. Martin E. Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, promised the public (and prying North Korean ears), “Those exercises are mostly to assure our allies that they can count on us to be prepared and to help them deter conflict.”  Translation:  Kim Jong-un and his predecessors have pointed their dicks/nukes one too many times at the U.S. and since CNN reported Friday that they are readying their rockets to aim at U.S. targets, we are returning the favor with our version of the G-spot. 

State media says Kim Jong-un signed a rocket preparation plan on Friday and ordered rockets on standby to strike the U.S. mainland, South Korea, Guam and Hawaii in response to the drills and recent U.N. sanctions over Pyongyang’s nuclear test.  Kim warned, “The time has come to settle accounts with the U.S. imperialists in view of the prevailing situation.”  Um, Mr. Kim might want to return to sender his iMac computer which was conceived and manufactured in imperialist California if our traditions are so repulsive to him.  Imperialistic values made the technology you are using possible, Mr. Dick Hypocrite.   

North Korean state media released images of Kim & Crew staring through their binoculars looking at something penetrating, but I know they were just watching porn with popcorn.  Maybe Kim would feel better if we let him blow up something truly American and truly expendable like one of the reality stars from Keeping Up With The Kardashians.   

“These sorts of threats are not new,” said Dr. James Hoare, the former British chargé d’affaires in Pyongyang. “It’s theatre.”  If the entire world is a stage, then North Koreans are desperately unrehearsed.  Maybe a few hours in a brothel or a stroll down a dark alley with knife-wielding men in Bangkok might do the trick.  Or maybe the Masturbate For Peace gathering will light an erotic fire within Kim, or just light him on fire, so we can all find harmony and real manhood.  The North Koreans can get more purposeful in their rhetoric if they get off on themselves, beginning with the Masturbate For Peace conference set to begin April 1. 

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